I have long been the hopeless Romantic that never seemed to learn his lesson.
It didn't matter how you tried to put it to me, I acted like I had the better clue. I was the kid who didn't chase anyone, kept all his secrets safe and even was able to refrain from the propensities of the common male race.
But I also had a problem.. I was insecure about what I was doing.
[[My above statement: Bold = Important factors; Italic = Lying to myself; Underline = What I realize & Red = Critical to Understanding what IS the perceived Issue]]
Giving it thought over the years, I have always had a problem with feeling like I am not allowed to Love.
I don't know if it is my deeper desire to fulfill a natural desire to be Loved but I feel more empowered when I am allowed to Love. If I had to guess on what most of my frustrations in life are about, it isn't about rejection but rather not finding acceptance.
I never was the type to care about my outward appearance enough to change it to gain acceptance. However, not having anyone to accept me certainly makes my frustrations of the world grow exponentially. I have noticed that even if there is one person that I can lay my head down and admire above all the other things I have, that isn't enough to keep me from dwelling on the fact that I need at least one person in this world who admires me above all the other things they have. When the circle becomes complete, I notice that I can quietly Die.
It may sound morbid... But I feel it is the difference on what kind of energy I expend. Considering where I usually try to expend my energy, it is for the better. My art takes a turn from negativity, my home settings become vibrant and filled with light, my diet is stable and with forbearance to health and most importantly... I have a true desire to seek out a relationship with God. This alone makes me think of the scripture where God declares that it isn't good for man to be alone; it causes me to consider that he wasn't saying this because of a selfish act of man but rather because there is more to perfection than the self. I used to think it was some circle that becomes complete because of it... Now I'm starting to be convinced that it is a state of growth that can't be achieved otherwise.
Being of the male persuasion, I am akin to hiding my emotions of the most deepest and profound nature I have. Even though my personality type thrives on emotions and the expression of them, I can not bring myself to hurt others or hurt myself because of it. So my natural defense mechanism derived from my personality ultimately is my need for expression; when I am denied this right/responsibility/gift/ability, I see a downward spiral ensue that is the same path as the upward climb. The difference is that something is pulling me down even as I try to climb.
For the people around me, I do not think the same rules apply. Not the inspiration from scripture part, as it doesn't have bearing on why I feel the way I do versus what I should do on an personal and opinionated level, it is the part that the emotions make so much difference in the need of expression.
Even with my voice silenced I can still move on. Yet somehow despite the similarity of submission I am not poised to fight myself in a way that creates a detriment that destroys me from the inside out.
This idea can be applied to all people who seek Love to create fulfillment, as I believe all humans require Love as a need for themselves... However, why am I one of the few who needs to express my Love fully to truly thrive? Surely I can find a means of explaining why my intuition says this is true for the entire world.. Until then I am forced to look at my personality as the cause of this.
It didn't matter how you tried to put it to me, I acted like I had the better clue. I was the kid who didn't chase anyone, kept all his secrets safe and even was able to refrain from the propensities of the common male race.
But I also had a problem.. I was insecure about what I was doing.
[[My above statement: Bold = Important factors; Italic = Lying to myself; Underline = What I realize & Red = Critical to Understanding what IS the perceived Issue]]
Giving it thought over the years, I have always had a problem with feeling like I am not allowed to Love.
I don't know if it is my deeper desire to fulfill a natural desire to be Loved but I feel more empowered when I am allowed to Love. If I had to guess on what most of my frustrations in life are about, it isn't about rejection but rather not finding acceptance.
I never was the type to care about my outward appearance enough to change it to gain acceptance. However, not having anyone to accept me certainly makes my frustrations of the world grow exponentially. I have noticed that even if there is one person that I can lay my head down and admire above all the other things I have, that isn't enough to keep me from dwelling on the fact that I need at least one person in this world who admires me above all the other things they have. When the circle becomes complete, I notice that I can quietly Die.
It may sound morbid... But I feel it is the difference on what kind of energy I expend. Considering where I usually try to expend my energy, it is for the better. My art takes a turn from negativity, my home settings become vibrant and filled with light, my diet is stable and with forbearance to health and most importantly... I have a true desire to seek out a relationship with God. This alone makes me think of the scripture where God declares that it isn't good for man to be alone; it causes me to consider that he wasn't saying this because of a selfish act of man but rather because there is more to perfection than the self. I used to think it was some circle that becomes complete because of it... Now I'm starting to be convinced that it is a state of growth that can't be achieved otherwise.
Being of the male persuasion, I am akin to hiding my emotions of the most deepest and profound nature I have. Even though my personality type thrives on emotions and the expression of them, I can not bring myself to hurt others or hurt myself because of it. So my natural defense mechanism derived from my personality ultimately is my need for expression; when I am denied this right/responsibility/gift/ability, I see a downward spiral ensue that is the same path as the upward climb. The difference is that something is pulling me down even as I try to climb.
For the people around me, I do not think the same rules apply. Not the inspiration from scripture part, as it doesn't have bearing on why I feel the way I do versus what I should do on an personal and opinionated level, it is the part that the emotions make so much difference in the need of expression.
Even with my voice silenced I can still move on. Yet somehow despite the similarity of submission I am not poised to fight myself in a way that creates a detriment that destroys me from the inside out.
This idea can be applied to all people who seek Love to create fulfillment, as I believe all humans require Love as a need for themselves... However, why am I one of the few who needs to express my Love fully to truly thrive? Surely I can find a means of explaining why my intuition says this is true for the entire world.. Until then I am forced to look at my personality as the cause of this.
